Life and Writings of Brother Rafael (11)

29th December, 1937

 PERSEVERANCE  IN  PRAYER

One hour of prayer without a thought of God.  I hardly realized it; time had passed.  The clock struck five o’clock and I had already been an hour on my knees.

And prayer?  I do not know ….  I did not pray …. I was thinking of myself, my personal sufferings, and memories of the world.

And Jesus and Mary?  Nothing ….  I have only selfishness, little faith, and much pride!

So important do I believe myself to be ….  so highly do I consider myself!  Poor little fellow!  A tiny speck of insignificant dust in the eyes of God; since you do not know how to benefit from prayer, learn to humiliate yourself before him and then you will humiliate yourself better before men.

Lord, have mercy on me ….  I am suffering, yes ….  but would that my suffering were not so selfish;  I should like,  Lord, to suffer for your pains on the Cross, for the forgetfulness of men, for my sins and those of others;…. for everything, my God except for myself.

What do I amount to in creation?  What am I before you?  What does my hidden life represent in infinite eternity?  If I could forget myself, it would be better, Lord.

I have nothing else but refined self-love and, to repeat and repeat, a lot of vanity.

With Mary’s help I shall try to amend.  I will make the intention that every time a worldly thought comes to disturb me, I will have recourse to you, Virgin Mary, and I will say a Salve for all those who offend you in the world. 

Instead of meditating on my sufferings …. meditate on gratitude and love God in my own wretchedness.

I will persevere in prayer even though I should be wasting time.