Life and Writings of Brother Rafael (13)

1st January 1938

THE VOW

 

The first day of January, 1938.  At prayer this morning I made a vow.  I vowed to love Jesus always.  I have realised what my vocation is.

I am not a religious;…. not a secular; …. I am nothing.

God be blessed, I am nothing more than a soul in love with Christ.  He wants nothing else except my love, and he wants it detached from everything and from everyone.

Virgin Mary, help me to keep my vow.  To love Jesus in everything, for everything, and always; …. just love.  Humble, generous, detached, mortified love in silence; …. may life be solely an act of love.

I see clearly that it is God’s will that I not make religious vows, or follow the Rule of Saint Benedict in everything.  Am I to want something that God does not want?

Jesus gives me an incurable disease, it is his will that I humble my pride before the misery of the flesh.  God sends me illness.  Should I not love everything Jesus sends me?

With immense love I kiss the blessed hand of God who gives health when he wishes and takes it away when it pleases him.  Job said that since we receive good things from God with joy, why should we not receive bad things?

But can all that keep me from loving him? No; …. I must love him insanely.  Life of love!

Here I have my rule, my vow …. Here is the only reason for living. 

The year 1938 is beginning.  What is God preparing for me in this year? O do not know;…. perhaps it does not matter to me; it is all the same to me, provided I do not offend him …. I belong to God, let him do with me what he wills.

Today I am offering him a new year in which I want nothing to reign other than a life of sacrifice, of abnegation, of detachment, guided only by love for Jesus …. by a very pure love.

I should like, my Lord, to love you as no one else has.  I should like to spend this life touching the earth  only with my feet;  without pausing to look at so much misery; without delaying for any creature, with my heart on fire with divine love and buoyed by hope.

I should like, Lord, to look only at heaven, where you are waiting for me, where Mary is, where the angels and saints are blessing you forever; they passed through the world just loving your law and observing your divine precepts.

Lord, how greatly do I desire to love you!

Help me, Mother mine!

I must love solitude for God puts me in it.

I must obey blindly, for it is God who commands me.

I must mortify my senses continually.

I must be patient in community life.

I must exercise myself in humility.

I must do it all for God and for Mary.